Thursday, 19 February 2015

Secret Parenting Behaviour

secret parenting behaviourThis is strictly between you and me. But there are things I do now, that I would never have done before having kids. Remember when Carrie Bradshaw talked about secret single behaviour in Sex and the City? About things she did behind closed doors before she was part of a couple?

Well, I've realised lately that I, too, have a list of unsightly, unbecoming and generally uncool behaviours that have emerged since becoming a mum. I was not like this six years ago, believe me! Every now and then, I look at myself and think, '...really?'

But the thing is..... I just don't care. I'm keeping my head above water here. It became a choice between standards and survival, and I went with the latter. So, I'm coming clean - proudly. That's right, I partake in SPB and I'm not ashamed to admit it. And let's face it, if you're a parent, there's a chance you do as well.  It's ok. You can tell me in your own time.

For now, you can revel in my Secret Parenting Behaviour:

1. I'm a wannabee hermit: Before I had all these children on my hands, I distinctly remember how I used to feel about getting out of the house. It was a must, otherwise I'd go 'stir-crazy', or get 'cabin-fever'. Of course, back then, popping out for fresh air was as easy as grabbing my bag and shutting the door behind me. Now, it involves two hours of sweat and tears (literally - from any number of us) and once we're out, it's not exactly relaxing. So when Mr Laney offers to take the kids out, I'm grateful for the chance to stay indoors. To not step outside for even a moment, the whole day? My idea of bliss!
2. I swear this was clean when I put it on: I'm not a disgusting person. I shower daily, and wash all the clothes in the house regularly. Yet somehow, everything I put on is filthy. I very often leave the house in clothes covered in smears from small people. You'd think denim and black would conceal dirtiness but they don't. Especially in broad daylight. I've got used to scheduling in a quick sponge-down in the kitchen just before I leave the house now, but it's not always successful. Whatever. Take it from me: if I'm out of the house, I'm doing well. End of.

secret parenting behaviour
3. Sometimes tantrums are funny: Every now and then, the sound of my kids blowing their tops crying, shouting or having an outright tantrum gives me the urge to giggle. Especially if it's over something I've done to them, like told them it's bath time or clean-up time. So before I put my on stern face to approach the situation, I have a quick chuckle in the kitchen while I finish my cup of tea.
4. The grooming thing: Sometimes when I'm in the shower, I consider giving my legs a quick seeing too with the razor, and then I think, 'nah, that'll do'. 
5. My pyjamas are my house clothes: As soon as I get home, my regular clothes suddenly become tight and uncomfortable. They have to go. So I put my pjs on. Even if it's 3pm. That way, I'm ready for bed, and have cut myself out the extra chore of changing out of my house clothes and into my pyjamas later on. I don't even feel embarrassed if someone knocks at the door.

secret parenting behaviour

6. The local will do: Despite everything I've said, I still like getting out for an evening. But my days of heading into the city or going anywhere further than ten minutes away are done. The local pub = going out. They serve wine, right? 
7. Sometimes I don't have a tissue handy: So when someone's nose is running urgently, I use my t-shirt to wipe the snot away. Hmm, hang on. Maybe this is why my stuff is always dirty.
8. I've got no idea what's happening in the real world. I feel like we live in a cocoon sometimes, when all I have time to deal with is what's happening within our chaotic little world.  I used to watch the news. But why is it on during the mad-hour? How does any busy parent have the energy for the news? Even if we record it to watch the time we're done with dinner, baths and bedtimes for them all....I'm not sure I could handle hearing the news, not exactly relaxing is it? By this time, I'm in need of a glass of something, and some mindless TV trash, stat. My brain is done.  
9. Oh no, the hot water's run out! When the big kids shower, sometimes they have so much fun playing their games with the shampoo bottles, that they won't come out. So I flick the tap from warm too cold and wait for them to realise the change in temperature, before exclaiming, 'oh no, the hot water's run out!' Is it wrong that I kind of enjoy that? 
secret parenting behaviour
10. Returning your texts: I always read text messages straight away. Same for emails. I welcome the alert that someone from the outside world is trying to reach me in the cocoon. Yet for some reason, it takes me a week, sometimes ten days to reply. I don't know why I let this happen. I think I spend a lot of time in my head rehearsing what my reply is going to be. Your patience means a lot to me.
11. I sleep on the couch: Not because hubby and I are arguing. No, he is right there beside me, camped out on the living room floor. Baby A has residence in our bedroom, and  has done for months. We're too scared to sleep in there, in case we wake him up. One day I will put the twins together in their proper bedroom, which is where Baby J sleeps. But I'm too scared of upsetting the good sleeping habits we've finally got sorted with them. Honestly, the couch is lumpy and uncomfortable, but sleep is sleep. I'll take it.
12. Secret cuddling behaviour: When I'm at work, or somewhere without my kids, I miss the feel of them in my arms so much that I cuddle myself. I wrap my arms around my body and squeeze. I think I even close my eyes. It's a weird security thing I've got going on.

 Ok, your turn: have you got some Secret Parenting Behaviour? Come on, just one! You'll get no judgement from me, obviously! 

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